Washington, D.C. - Satan, running for
re-election as "Prince of this world" (John 14:30), again
accused his Democratic opponent Jesus H. Christ of being "Lord
of the flip-flops" Thursday.
On the campaign trail, the fallen angel met with legions of fawning
Republican supporters. Always a master at public oration, the
ancient menace described Jesus--and His running mate, God the
Elder--as "out of touch with reality and the people." The
Devil continued, running through a laundry list of Biblical
contradictions and changes in official positions on the part of the
two gods.
"Just look at Their campaign manifesto," declared the incumbent supreme ruler of Earth. "Have you folks even
seen more position changes in one tome? I mean, first He, first this bozo wants to create a planet, then He regrets it and wants to destroy it?! You just can't excuse this, like changing your tie after looking in the mirror. This is people's lives we're dealing with, for His sakes!"
Dick Chemosh, the Devil's running mate, hammered home his leader's arguments with an otherworldly charm that stunned even long-time Democrats. "I've advised Dark Lords from Sauron to Satan, and let me be honest for a change: the last time I saw such inconsistency on a politician's part, I was pretending to be patron god of the Moabites. It doesn't end with the Flood. Are Kosher laws a good idea, or aren't they? Is salvation by faith alone (Romans 3:28), or is faith dead without works (James 2:17)? It just goes on and on!"
Among other examples cited by Satan's campaign, alleged inconsistencies on number and location of post-resurrection witnesses (Matthew 28:16, Galilee, vs. all the other gospels, Jerusalem); whether God
does (Isaiah 14:21) or doesn't (Deuteronomy 24:16) support capital punishment of descendents for their parents' sins; "The Lord is... not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9) vs. "God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: That they all might be damned" (2 Thessalonians 2:11-12); the differing accounts of creation in Genesis 1 and 2; and hundreds of other "flip-flops."
Fundamentalist Christians immediately logged on the Internet, drawing on centuries of apologetics to explain every single one of these Scriptural anomalies. More moderate believers were unimpressed, and simply denied Satan was attacking Jesus' official campaign manifesto, rejecting Biblical inerrancy and arguing for a variety of more nuanced interpretations.
"This is all very amusing," the Devil roared at his supporters. "Perhaps my opponent--and his followers--just can't keep a story straight... but then, why would you trust Him to rule in my stead?" Vice Prince Chemosh scoffed at the explanations, calling Christian efforts "clever but ultimately unconvincing rationalizations by those committed to believe at any cost." He grinned slyly as he added that, "for an omnipotent being, an unusual number of God's plans--like the global cleansing of evil via deluge--have been thwarted." He argued, and cited his own campaign to prove his point, that God's leadership in the War on Rebellion would be incompetent, exposing us to supernatural attack from other dimensions.
Scandalous revelations surfaced Tuesday when LordCo Centre WaterMocassins, shoes that inflate and allow the wearer to walk on water, were photographed in the closet of Jesus' Democratic Party Headquarters. Satan immediately went on the attack,
hinting that the Messiah staged his most famous miracle.
Expert opinion on their authenticity was divided; Democratic analysts took issue with "the fact WaterMocassins were only invented in August 2004," but Republicans retorted time travel would be easy for God. St. Peter, campaign spokesman for the Messiah, vigorously denied the fraud charges, accusing Satan of "[an] embarrassing Photoshop job" on what he called "obviously doctored pictures." Chemosh joked "Well lookie here, He even
wears flip-flops!"
"And its eyes were like
lightning fires... She cast it away from her, outside that
place, that no one of the immortal ones might see it, for
she had created it in ignorance....And she called his name
Yaltabaoth..."
- excerpt from the Shifty Gnostics advertisement, quoted
from the extra-Biblical Apocryphon of John
Analysts agree that Christ's campaign, already suffering in the polls from prior accusations of dishonesty, can hardly afford to ignore these claims. This controversy comes on the heels of a now-infamous TV ad produced by a group calling itself "Shifty Gnostic Heretics for Truth." The ad, produced by a non-mainstream Christian sect from the same continent and millenium as Jesus, claims that contrary to His assertions, He never served as Supreme Ruler of the Universe, but was a bastardized and
sociopathic creation of an entity that did. The Shifty Gnostics accuse Jesus Christ--and his alterego, YHWH--of being the illegitimate offspring of the real God and his often overlooked consort, Sophia.
Reaction across the mainstream Christian world was decidedly negative. Pope John Paul II, Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew I (spiritual leader of the world's Orthodox Christians), Anglican Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, and a bunch of nutcases no one cares about like Jerry Falwell issued a press release. They condemned the ad, calling it "One of the reasons we regret the Inquisition ever ended." They objected that none of the Shifty Gnostics, or their ancient leaders, were even in contact with Jesus during his earthly ministry. Even Muslims joined in the fray, issuing a Fatwa against Satan, who is suspected of helping orchestrate and/or financing the Gnostic attack. The ancient deceiver laughed off their solemn condemnation, saying "What are they gonna do, blow up a spirit?"
Jesus himself vehemently denied the ad's accusations, saying that His birth records--had they survived Jerusalem's destruction at the hands of the Romans in 70 AD--would put to rest all doubts about His ancestry. Representatives of the mysterious Gnostics were skeptical, and considered that "too convenient an excuse."
